


Complaints Department

by sleepingtiger



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Crack, Eventual Relationships, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Non-Chronological, on-going, past overwatch, present overwatch
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-07-17
Packaged: 2018-10-30 04:42:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10869345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepingtiger/pseuds/sleepingtiger
Summary: A day in the life of Athena is not easy. In fact it never ends. Perform security checks, keep updated with current affairs, organise agents schedules, deal with bullshit, order supplies, contact former agents, deal with more bullshit, order more chairs from Ikea, respond to Genji's borderline harassment, revoke McCree's internet privileges again, shut out system intruder, more bullshit etc. etc.Because someone has to deal with all the damn complaints of the Overwatch members, and it sure as hell won't be Winston.In which Athena has to deal with all the bullshit.





	1. All in a days work

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Whilst it is called complaints department, it is more than just Athena dealing with complaints but majority of her outgoing emails, such as warnings to agents, search returns, mission updates, shopping list requirements and the like.  
> Also there is no chronological order here, some may be interconnected, but the whole idea is that the emails are from a range of time, such as one might be from the present reformed overwatch and the next might be from overwatch back in the day. I think as you read it quickly becomes apparent which timeline the email is from.

 

Dear Miss Oxton

I am messaging you on behalf of Winston to inform you, nay to _implore_ you, to please kindly refrain from conducting office-chair races in the main corridor. Whilst he is aware that agents require respite and leisure time, he feels ashamed by the number of orders he has had to make to Ikea in the past few months for wheeled office chairs.

Quoting a recent conversation during his latest transaction:

_“Mr Winston, I am afraid we are all out of stock in the Volmar”_

_“I see. When will you be restocking?”_

_“Unfortunately, I am unable to confirm when we will be replenishing our supply. Currently a **certain** company has been purchasing our entire, modest supply of office chairs on a bimonthly basis and we have simply been unable to keep up” _

_“I-I see”_

_“Mr Winston one cannot help wonder, what **activities** exactly you carry out with these chairs to make them so perishable”_

Therefore, Miss Oxton, for the sake of Mr Winston’s sanity alone, if you would so kindly limit your “ _Beat the time travelling chair_ ” races to once a month (preferably towards the end) it would be most appreciated.

Furthermore, I understand Mr McCree has played a large part in co-organising and spearheading these events, therefore I have CC-ed him into this email for his notification.

 

Kindly,

Athena

 

* * *

  

Dear Mr Shimada

Thank you for logging a complaint, your concerns are of the utmost importance to us here at Overwatch.

I would like to extend my most heartfelt apologies and understanding of your current predicament. Whilst I appreciate you by no means wished for, I quote “ _this Godforsaken body_ ”, I assure you Dr Ziegler and the team who were involved in your recovery held the absolute best of intentions.

And whilst I understand your vehemence towards this unexpected, new life of yours, I feel it is my duty to help ease the transition into your new body.

Therefore, I would like to address a few certain matters of importance that I feel may be hindering you.

Firstly, whilst I do apologise for being unable to return your body to its more human state, I do not think returning your “ _tin-can-piece-of-shit_ ” to the “ _recycling bin”_ would be the best solution. Might I add, your suit is made of the highest-grade metal and is _not_ recyclable.

Secondly, whilst I fathom you have an understandably sizeable grudge against your brother, I would like to politely advise against using your “ _pointy metal foot_ ” to “ _fuck him six ways to Saturn_ ” and “ _burn his stubborn head on a pyre_ ”.

Your hatred towards your brother for his appalling behaviour towards yourself is understandable, however I do not feel your method of coping is conductive to your recovery. I would like to recommend taking a breath in for 3 counts and letting it out for 5 when the rage is overpowering. Counting down whilst focusing on controlled breathing is an incredibly helpful method for calming the mind.

I can also recommend a few highly rated psychiatrists that are able to efficiently sort through your issues, however it is my personal recommendation to spend time in a new and cleansing environment. My research proves the temples in Nepal have helped many troubled souls in the past. Perhaps it would be worth the journey there to clear your mind if nothing else.

I wish you the absolute best in your recovery and truly hope you find a newfound love for life.

 

Best wishes and kind regards,

Athena 

_Ps. Please do not respond to this email with “fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou” again. Whilst I appreciate this may not be your ideal situation, at the very least **read** the message before responding. Your timestamped responses are very telling._

* * *

 

Dear Agent McCree

I would like to notify you that your internet privileges have been revoked for the next 3 days due to misuse of our internet policy.

I would like to once more inform you that access to the site “pornhub” is strictly forbidden as it creates potential holes in our security network.

While it may not be on par with your highly re-watched “double pastrami sandwich”, I have attached 2 videos to this email to tide you along during your internet ban.

 

Regards,

Athena 

* * *

 

Dear System Intruder #3786

I would like to inform you that Former Strike Commander Jack Morrison’s Overwatch System password was _not_ “Gabesgloriousass1234” and that entering multiple versions to a similar degree will _not_ provide you access to his former account.

Furthermore, Agent Tracer’s password was not “titstitstits” and Agent McCree’s password was not “dicksdicksdicks” – though your generalisation of their sexuality may in fact be incredibly on point for once, as highly trained agents they know better than to use such simple passwords (though I may add, your almost uncanny knowledge of the inner workings of Agent McCree’s mind brought you frighteningly close)

However, I would like to point out the incredible irony considering _your_ password was “Goldenboy69”. Yes “ _Reaper_ ” do not think all your snooping around in our systems would not allow me access to your identity and location. You always were terrible with technology former Agent Gabriel Reyes.

In any case, I have added extra layers of security to the above-mentioned accounts and I suggest you cease trying to access them considering you have only made our past few missions markedly easier by revealing your location through poor hacking.

Next time, try private browsing. It doesn't only have _one_ use.

Yes, Gabriel. I see _everything_.

 

Regards,

Athena

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Athena is pissed. #donewithgabrielsemoassedgelordbullshit #therealreasonhehiredsombra
> 
> Genji agreed to his transformation in canon, but the feel here is that he agreed to be healed but after all the clan business is sorted, he can't accept his body and starts to blame overwatch for giving him his bionic body, not out of logic but out of bitterness.
> 
> There is no real set structure here, just kinda rolling with it? So feel free to give suggestions!


	2. 10 Steps to Hanzo's Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Highly specialised Artificial Intelligence program... uses information gathering skills as a wing-man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My headcannon is that Athena and Zenyatta get together on a monthly basis to bitch about the "humans" and their weird social nuances which as machines they cannot comprehend the need for.

 

Dear Agent Genji

I am enquiring on the behalf of Winston as to how your time in Nepal is coming along? I heard you have acquainted with Master Zenyatta, who is an associate of sorts to Overwatch. I hope he is able to bring to you the peace you have thus far been unable to find.

Please extend to Master Zenyatta our most humble invitation, should you choose to return to Overwatch it would be most pleasing if Master Zenyatta would join you. 

Best wishes and kind regards,

Athena

* * *

  **Response to Inquiry #328**

< _Yo Athena who da fuck touched my Honey Buddha chips!? Like that’s treachery of the worst kind!_

_Our mission._

_Locate. Capture. **Eliminate**. >_

 

Dear Hana,

Do not worry, I have already implemented a less _consequential_ plan to retrieve your _expensive_ chips. Expect no more interference with your supply.

Regards Athena

* * *

 

Dear Agent McCree

In regards to your previous enquiry into the interests of Agent Hanzo, I would like to make clear that it is not to my benefit aiding Overwatch agents in their personal lives. That being said, I believe it would be to the greater benefit of Overwatch as a whole, if someone as organised and disciplined as Agent Hanzo were to become a part of your life.

In acceptance of this request, I would like to strike a bargain of sorts with you. In return for providing information, you must fulfil the following criteria, for every criterion satisfied you will be rewarded.

 1) Stop stealing practice dummies from the training room and using them as a stand for your serape and hat. Dear Lord use a hanger.

 2) **Stop** switching Reinhardt and Lucio’s underwear. The others have yet to cotton onto your ploy as it’s hard to discern due to the uniformity of standard issue clothing. However, if I have to deal with a panicking Lucio over average “size” _one_ more time, so help me God, I will personally send copies of the incident in which you wore Lena’s maid costume (which did _not_ fit in the slightest) to Hanzo’s PC.

 3) Stop stealing Hana's Honey Buddha Chips. Every month she spends a sizeable portion of Overwatch funds, exploiting the "employee’s personal necessities" clause, importing them from Korea, only for most of them to mysteriously go missing. Do not think I don’t know it’s you. If we have to spend extra next month to replace the amount missing, then do not expect help.

 4) Stop pilfering Soldier’s coffee supply. Every morning he goes without coffee I have to deal with grumbled voices messages of _"Why are we still here? Just to suffer? Every night I can feel my Reyes... and my Reyes ...even my Reyes. The Reyes I've lost... the Gabriel I lost won't stop hurting. It’s like he's still there. You feel it too don't you? I'm gonna make them give back my Gabi"_

 5) You are no longer permitted to smoke in the common room. In fact, you were never permitted to smoke in there from the start. Every time agents enter the room following one of your smoking sessions, they exhibit symptoms as if they are about to experience an asthma attack – Agents Reinhardt and Amari in particular– and considering the time of night you frequent the common room at, I do not think Dr Ziegler would be awake to tend to the breathless and dying.

 6) Need I repeat the internet usage guidelines? Or is the 101 copies I have sent to you during the entirety of our working relationship, not been enough? Keep your browser history clean for a good two weeks – and hopefully following that – and I will consider this condition fulfilled.

 7) Get a microchip installed in the cat you are not-so-secretly harbouring in your quarters. Be sure to get it vaccinated and inspected by a qualified veterinary physician. Also, choose a better name then “Whiskers”

 8) You are no longer permitted to suggest old western films on “movie night”. If one of the younger members were to become influenced by whatever cursed mentality influenced you – I do not think Overwatch will survived a _second_ fall.

I will send you the remaining 2 conditions following the mission in King’s Row. Should you survive, it will give you something to look forward to.

Regards,

Athena

* * *

**< Open Chat>**

Master Zenyatta. I have yet to understand the human social interaction known as “flirting”. I witnessed it in action just today. Agent Hanzo walked into the common room following which Agent McCree leaned on one of the standing tables and said- in a clearly suggestive tone-

_"How you doin'"_

Of course, this being agent McCree we're talking about, the table collapsed under his weight and hot coffee slipped all over his non-bionic arm, for which he had to pay an immediate visit to Dr Ziegler for burn treatment.

However, due to a strange turn of events of which I cannot comprehend – considering the attempt seemingly failed – Agent Hanzo was the first person seeking ice and applying cold water to burns. He also assisted walking the borderline sobbing, hulk of a mess that is Agent McCree to the med bay.

Does this mean his flirting tactics worked? Or does failure of flirting result in better results? Or is the intention of flirting for it to fail, make a fool of the individual, and thus incur the sympathy of the other party and result in success? There are too many possibilities and I have thus far insufficient data to deduce the correct answer.

What are your opinions on the matter?

< _I understand precisely my dearest Athena. Just the other day I witnessed a similar encounter between Genji and Dr Ziegler. Genji zipped into the med bay utilising his superhuman speed, however the bouquet of flowers he was holding were unable to withstand the pressure of the speed and when he came to a standstill in front of Dr Ziegler he was holding nothing but a bunch of broken stems._

_In that moment, I couldn't help but think my dearest protégée still had much to learn. However, to my surprise Dr Ziegler burst into laughter and accepted the bouquet of stems with a fond smile on her face and light blush upon her cheeks._

_Are Dr Ziegler and Agent Hanzo for that matter simply predisposed to accept failed “flirting” attempts? Or is it simply a case of affection numbing the mind to acts of stupidity?_

_It seems there is still much to learn. I will carry out research on my part and hope to have more information by the time we reconvene next month._

_Best of luck dealing with the humans, we love them dearly, but heaven knowns they can be a handful. >_ 

**< Close Chat>**

 

* * *

 Dear Agent McCree

Considering you have fulfilled criteria number 6 of our agreement, I believe a conversation that occurred a few days ago between Agent Hanzo and Agent Mei will be of benefit to you. This occurred in the common area where Hanzo had been sitting alone for an hour or so reading, at which point Mei entered and approached Hanzo. I will narrate to you the parts of the footage that are unclear from this angle.

_“Um… Hanzo can I ask you a question”_

_Hanzo places his book on the sofa and smiles amicably up at Mei._

_“Of course”_

_Mei excitedly takes a seat beside Hanzo – they seem to have a good friendship going._

_“Well you see there is this manga series I follow, and I managed to get a copy of the Japanese raws – that's the original version before it’s been translated to Chinese – I caved at the time, but now that its arrived I’m kinda stuck on some words, can you help me translate a few things?”_

_“Of course” Hanzo smiles warmly and Mei excitedly pulls out a notebook and pen before popping on the kettle and settling beside Hanzo with mugs of Sencha._

They continued for an hour or so, sitting on the couch translating bit by bit. The reason I find this knowledge of benefit to you Agent McCree – because don't think I don't know you well enough to be scratching your head out of confusion at this point – is because Mei offered to lend the book to Hanzo and since then I have spotted him reading it on more than one occasion. He also ordered off amazon the rest of the series.

The series is called “Saezuru tori wa habatakanai” and is about a Yakuza leader who hires a former policeman as his body guard. The Yakuza leader appears to have a penchant for being treated roughly but the policeman falls for him and wants to love him gently.

This series is part of a genre called “Yaoi” also known as _“boys love”_. It seems there may be hope for you after all.

Do what you will with this information.

Regards Athena

* * *

  **Inquiry number **#1** 78**

_< What is swag?>_

_< What is savage? And why am I it for calling Jesse a reject from a poorly done western porno, when he called me old?>_

_< Why does everyone keep calling me dad?>_

Agent 76. I have ordered you copies of “Parenting 101” and “Urban Dictionary” to be downloaded directly to your tablet, to help with the above problems.

Following this, should you have any further inquiries do not hesitate to contact me.

Regards,

Athena

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Athena just shits all over poor Jesse. Its only because he’s one of the members she’s known the longest and probably the only one who consistently makes Athena’s life harder. They have a love-hate relationship going. She questions the intelligence of humanity every time she has to put up with his bullshit and yet she will always help him out of a sticky situation.


	3. Send to All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This new update though. Fucking HOLD ME.

 

Dear Agent Genji

In regards to your request for certain upgrades to your cyber suit, after careful discussion with Winston and Torbjorn we have come to the conclusion it would not be in the best interests of Overwatch if their talent is seen supporting the Power Rangers franchise.

I know you resonate deeply with the black Power Ranger, however due to the controversy surrounding the Power Ranger series, we think it best to advice against.

Have you any further suggestions for us, we are open to consider them. 

Kind regards,

Athena

* * *

 

Dear Agent Hanzo

**Welcome to Overwatch**

Should you have any problems please do not hesitate to contact me. I can be contacted via any terminal on base, your personal official Overwatch mobile device or by simply calling out “ _Hey Athena!_ ” From any common room (Kitchen, living area, training rooms etc).

In regards to the request you put through to Winston for supplies, I must firstly offer my most profound apologies that you find our tea supply lacking. Many years ago when Agent Genji first joined he expressed similar concerns, however since Agent Genji has been in Nepal these past few years - and since the disbanding of the original Overwatch - we have not kept up stock.

I will see to it that the list of tea you have provided us with makes its way to you somehow.

Is there anything else you shall be requiring? Weapons supplies, food supplies or bedroom supplies?

If you have any problems do not hesitate to contact me.

Kind regards, 

Athena,

_Ps. Should you find any of the members to be “overbearing” please do take the time to get to know them and appreciate their characters and differences; the diversity of our members only serve to make a more capable and well-rounded team. However, should you find a certain Agent Jesse McCree to be something of a “pain” arrangements **can** be made._

 

* * *

 

Dear Agent Solider 76

I am contacting you regarding the results of your recently requested investigation into the case of former Commander of Blackwatch, Gabriel Reyes.

I am afraid to inform you my results have returned inconclusive. There have been no known sightings of Mr Reyes, neither have there been any transactions under his name; for all intents and purposes, Mr Reyes is dead according to all information supplied.

However, despite all this I thought it would be prudent to inform you, that my investigation into his death and funeral have returned somewhat strange results.

Before I proceed I would like to state, it is highly possible this is simply an anomalous case of misplaced documentation. However, it still stands, I was unable to place any official records of the body of Mr Reyes entering the national morgue. It is highly possible they were simply unable to find a body, or the body was retrieved pre-emptively by his family so that he could be buried elsewhere.

Nonetheless it is still _unusual_. I could not even locate a documented record of his cause of death that would have been handed into the mortician to sign off on. It would appear, for all intents and purposes, Mr Reyes's casket is as empty as yours.

Unfortunately, Mr Morrison, it is not in my coding to carry out a request without questioning the initiative of the person putting in the request. As a highly intelligent program it is only natural upon searching for Mr Reyes body I would also note the lack of yours.

Fear not for I have no benefit to gain from revealing this information to the rest of Overwatch. Your identity will remain anonymous as you wish it. If you would like me to proceed with further investigation or simply keep a background monitoring tab on any possible connections to Mr Reyes, please respond in the positive.

I wish you good health and luck in your new chosen life Mr Morrison, nay, Former Commander Morrison. You truly were a strong, admirable and compassionate leader to us all, despite how everything turned out, Mr Reyes _included_.

Kind regards,

Athena

 

* * *

 

Dear Agent Hana Song

After careful deliberation between Winston and I, we have decided it would be in your best interest if you were to take a break from gaming.

We feel the intense late night sessions are beginning to take a toll on your mental and physical health, and you would perform better in missions if you had a full 8 hours of sleep. No, sleeping at 4am (the night before a mission no less) then waking in the middle of the night screaming “DON'T FUCK WITH ME I’M DRAGONBORN!!!!” does **_not_** constitute a healthy, restful sleep.

We have designed a schedule for you – attached to this email – which allows you to stick to your usual streaming lengths, just at a more reasonable time of the night and with more breaks and hydration in-between.

Please understand this is for your best interest and the best interest of Overwatch as a whole. All the members here at Overwatch are very fond of you and care for you very deeply – myself included (despite what you do to our electricity bills) – therefore we want you as fit and able on the battlefield as possible.

Should you require any help or further consultation, feel free to contact me at any time.

Kindly,

Athena

_Ps. This is not an option. We have imposed restrictions on the wifi network and electricity supplying the common room and your room during your scheduled sleeping hours. If we find you are able to stick to the schedule for two weeks, then we are open to **considering** potential changes to the schedule._

 

* * *

 

 **_Response to enquiry_ ** **# _400_**

_< Athena darling, you gotta save me! I done fucked up good and proper this time, I’m dyin’ here and I need HELP>_

**Agent McCree. Sigh. Let me take a guess at the cause of your current “life and death predicament”, has it something to do with a series of _horrifying_ pictures sent to every member of Overwatch past and present, courtesy of a very “liberal-minded” Jesse McCree?**

_< Athena please darling, I love you and I know you hate me at best and love me at worst, but please don't make this harder on me, please, please, please, tell me you can delete those pictures?>_

**It is a testament to how much I care about the wellbeing of our members that I have _already_ deleted those pictures from almost every device you so ingeniously sent them to. Next time press “Send” and not “Send to all”. In fact, as a matter of dire precaution I will remove the “Send to all” function from your system.**

_< Thank you. You know I love you, right? Said that earlier didn't I. And thanks again for removing the function, prolly a good idea knowing my luck->_

**Unfortunately, Agent McCree, I was unable to remove the picture from _one_ device, as that device has been turned off and is not currently receiving electricity nor network signals. You must retrieve the device and manually remove it yourself.**

_< Oh dear God. Whose is it? Don't tell me its someone like Symmetra? Or worse, Jack>_

**It seems you are as familiar with your own poor luck as I am. Unfortunately, it is Agent Morrison.**

_< Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck my luck. Fuck my fat fucking fingers five ways to fucking Florence>_

**Firstly, that sentence derives no meaning whatsoever. Secondly, as beyond my understanding as this “relationship” between you and Agent Hanzo is, he has mentioned in passing, one of the aspects he admires is your so called “fat fingers”. Thirdly Agent Morrison is current away on a mission and due to return tonight, therefore if you intend to retrieve the tablet and remove this image I suggest you pick yourself of your console, wipe your tears and _get moving_.**

**Then perhaps later we can discuss solutions to your technical ability and appalling luck…**

 

* * *

 

Dear Agent Morrison and Agent Reyes

Following the conclusion of your most recent mission I have deemed it highly appropriate and vital even, that the two of you undergo driving lessons. _Immediately_.

Firstly, I must congratulate you on completing the highly difficult reconnaissance mission you were assigned to. Furthermore, you were able to locate a suitable vehicle despite the circumstances and time, and astonishingly make it back to base _alive_. It appears the most challenging element of this mission was not the mission itself, but manoeuvring the vehicle you intended to use for your grand escape.

The following is footage from the black box of the car which you both _attempted_ to drive during your escape effort – which frankly, if either of you were ever to become great commanders of Overwatch, this is the footage I would use at your inauguration ceremonies to motivate other members that if you two managed somehow, then they can too.

**< _Start footage >_**

_“Gabe can you drive this thing? Its proper old school, got wheels and everything”_

_“Of course I can Jack, this is 2048 not the stone ages”_

_After which you both climbed into the vehicle and Agent Reyes spends a worrying amount of time searching for the ignition._

_“JESUS CRIST REYES SLOW THE FUCK DOWN”_

_“Calm down Morrison were not going that fast”_

_“We’re going 120mph, if I wanted to take a plane I would’ve called for Lena!”_

_“In all fairness planes go at an average speed of 150mph so your sarcasm is actually on point for once”_

_To which Agent Morrison displays an expression as if he desires for his forehead to become one with the dashboard._

_“Calm down Jackie, after we make it across this bridge I’ll slowdown”_

_Of course, the bridge is old and dilapidated, and the bridge begins to crumble as you drive across it in a very Indiana-Jones-esque turn of events._

_“We’re gna die here aren’t we?”_

_Agent Morrison then proceeds to seemingly recite every prayer and mantra he has every learnt in his entire life._

_“Forgive me father for I have sinned…”_

_“We’re fine”_

_Despite your words Agent Reyes, it seems you are quite literally - for lack of better expression - shitting your pants, from the expression on your face._

_Thereafter Agent Morrison insisted on taking the helm, which from my analysis was a no better choice._

_“Christ Jack, were in a truck not a fucking tractor, you can’t just drive over everything and pray to God the tyres won’t break!”_

I hope recapping this event has proven a valuable learning experience for the two of you, in improving your teamwork and more importantly your tactile abilities. Whilst the two of you are our greatest assets, and your bickering surprisingly does not hinder missions to any significant degree, I believe just a smidgen of teamwork in this instance would have gone a long way. For example, between the competitive fire burning in your eyes, neither of you thought to check the glove compartment of the car which contained a satellite navigation device which would have saved you from driving in circles around the border of Mexico for 3 hours. 

You first driving lesson shall be at 0600 hours tomorrow. Neither of you have missions and should either skip this lesson, the above footage will be played on an endless loop on every display device across the entire base, _for a week_.

Kind regards, 

Athena

  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, bit of writers block this time. Thank you for the comments! It really helps to get ideas brewing when you guys comment because I get to see from your perspective what you think is happening and it just HELPS. So thank you!
> 
> Also Genjis Sentai suit. I fucking called it. Wrote this before it updated, was going to edit it from PR to Sentai but thought at least this way, its like a chain of events, Genji's requests for suitable upgrades never ends (Athena ALMOST agrees on a Sailor moon cybersuit just for the hell of it)


	4. Athena Ships it Too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The one where Athena becomes a fanfic writer/The one where Athena gives all the relationship advice (Because Athena secretly ships McHanzo/r76 too)
> 
> Very relationship heavy chapter!

 

Dear Agent Genji,

Please _stop_ lacing the tea leaf supply with laxatives. Our plumbing simply cannot handle it. Especially since Agent Reinhardt is the most common victim.

Should you continue, I will inform Agent Mercy of your misdeeds.

Regards,

Athena,

_P.s. I am aware Agent McCree is the one who supplied you with the laxatives in the first place. Do not fear, his punishment is calling for him too._

 

* * *

  **[Archived correspondence]**

Dear Agent Reyes and Morrison

The reports from your driving instructors have returned.

Firstly, clutching the steering wheel, foot fully pressing the gas pedal flush to the floor and screaming “DIE DIE DIE” at anyone who refuses to drive 30 miles above the speed limit is not only incredibly dangerous and counterproductive, but also straight up illegal.

You can be dishonourably discharged for illegal activities Reyes. Do you _want_ to be discharged?

Morrison, do not snicker, you were no better. Yelling “I’ve got you in my sights” to the person that refused to give you way, then tailgating him for a good 20 minutes until he almost had a mental breakdown and pulled over onto the actual, **pedestrian sidewalk** due to your harassment makes you almost as bad, if not _worse_ , than Reyes.

I simply do not know what to do with the two of you. You seem intent on making this process as difficult as possible. I have devised a final ultimatum for you both. You will carry out lessons with the instructors one more time, and you _will_ listen to their instructions _word-for-word._

In the event I receive another report like the one above, your lessons will be deferred to the brilliant Agent Reinhardt.

Unless you want to be driving with your head out of the window due to claustrophobia from sharing space with the seven foot German, or simply being unable to _hear_ for the next two weeks due to exuberant instruction given in a damaging volume, I suggest you buckle up and pay good attention.

Regards,

Athena

 

* * *

  **[Incoming Chat Request. Agent Jesse McCree. Codename McCree]**

**< Open Chat>**

<Hey Athena, can I ask you a question?>

**< Yes>**

**< …>**

**< However if it’s something inane such as “am I gay?” I swear to God I will disconnect myself from this system>**

< _Am I_ though?>

**< I’ll believe you when you throw away your collection off limited edition, gold, Japanese butt plugs>**

<Didn't know you knew about those…>

**< In all seriousness, what is troubling you?>**

<Do you… do you think Hanzo likes me? Or at least feels something for me?>

**< In all honesty, Agent McCree, it is difficult for me to ascertain. Feelings are not a part of my programming. However, if I were to compare my knowledge with previous encounters, I would say “Most likely”>**

**< If this is any consolation, my deductions are that your situation resembles one I witnessed during the old Overwatch. The decisive moment in the relationship between Agent Reyes and Morrison, was when Agent Morrison collapsed on a mission. Agent Reyes refused to leave his side for even a _second_. Thereafter, once recovered, Agent Morrison had come to me questioning the relationship between himself and his comrade and the possibility of something more. Back then I showed him the footage of Agent Reyes waiting at his bedside day and night, every moment since he was injured. It seemed to be the correct answer.**

**Fortunately, you have been returning safe from all of your missions. However, in regards to awaiting your return, Agent Hanzo checked with me almost every morning on the status of your mission and would then add quietly how you were managing.**

**He also secretly refilled your precious coffee supply and even made sure there were extra Twinkies in the fridge. He even asked me your preferred comfort food of choice (of course I responded “ _All of them”_ ).**

**It may not be staying beside your sick bed all night, however, it appears Agent Hanzo cares for you in his own way. My analysis may be incorrect, however it does not seem like he would do the same actions for any other member. The calculated probability, according to my knowledge of his personality, is incredibly low.**

**Just like agent Reyes who would not even grab a glass of water for a superior officer, but would treck halfway across town to buy the brand of coffee Agent Morrison preferred; Agent Hanzo too is putting himself out of his comfort zone for you.**

**If that is not answer enough, then I do not know what is.**

<...>

<Thank you Athena babe. You always save me in a pinch, I don't know what I would do without you>

**< Probability dictates death. By your own stupidity>**

 

* * *

****[Incoming Chat Request. Tekhartha Zenyatta. Codename Zenyatta]**  **

**< Open Chat>**

_< Dearest Athena, how have you been? I have made little progress on our topic of the human mating tactic “flirting” as I have hit yet another brick wall. I am struggling to comprehend the way humans deal with their feelings. Why must they lock their deepest feelings towards others within themselves? Why must they torture themselves so? Information is easily obtained and just as easily shared in our world, yet the humans put so many parameters on sharing their feelings with others, that they trap themselves in a box of their own self-consciousness when they are the only ones with the key to open it._

_Genji for some reason, despite his outward acts of affection, and clear focus of attention on the lovely Doctor Ziegler, refuses to voice his feelings._

_He simply stated to me “But what if she refuses” To which I pointed out the flaw in his logic, if she were to refuse she has had many opportunities up until this point to refuse his attentions and that has yet to happen. He decided he would think about it awhile more before he made any move. I pointed out he has been **thinking** about it for the past 7 years, to which silence was my only response._

_It hurts me to witness Genji like this, I wish for peace and tranquillity in his soul but above all I pray for happiness for him. It is painful to see happiness right in front of him and yet he is too afraid to reach for it._

_It seems humans greatest fear is their own feelings, or simply sharing them with others. >_

 

<Master Zenyatta, _I completely agree_. This situation reminds me of one that occurred many years ago. I was going through documentation with Agent Morrison in his office, when suddenly the door slammed open and Agent Reyes barged in – dishevelled and injured – clearly just returned from an incredibly difficult mission.

Agent Morrison had stammered something along the lines of “Reyes! You’re back, thank God!” then there was an incredibly long moment of silence during which Reyes and Morrison did nothing but stare intensely at each other across the room, before Morrison noticed the state of Reyes “You’re injured! You must get to the medbay”

Although the relief and joy at seeing Reyes was absolutely plain on his face that even I, an unfeeling Intelligence Programme, was able to recognise it, he ushered Reyes back out of his office, repeating the need for him to have his wounds tended. Once out, Morrison closed the door and rested against it, his face redder than what seemed healthy for a human, and dragging a hand down his face as he muttered “Reyes, thank God you’re okay”

However, the door behind Agent Morrison suddenly opened as Reyes returned, and Morrison half fell backwards into his arms. Then, to my great surprise, Agent Reyes shoved Morrison back into the room, and shut the door behind the both of them.

Just as Morrison was about to protest or probably mention his injuries, Reyes slammed Morrison against the wall roughly.

Here I worried I would have to intervene, it didn't seem safe if this moment were to devolve into a fight. Reyes was injured and his facial expressions were almost borderline manic, Morrison was red and breathless; if either were to fight I do not think it would end without one committed to the medbay and receiving stitches or otherwise.

However, I was proven wrong. Reyes pressed himself bodily into Morrison, claiming his lips roughly and kissing him passionately against the wall.

Morrison was stunned, desperation obvious in his need to understand what was going on, but to my continued surprise (I was almost certain up until this point that these two vehemently hated each other) Morrison seemingly returned the kiss. Just as passionately.

Agent Reyes suddenly pulled back, grabbing Morrison’s shoulders as he breathlessly said “ _I’m back Jackie_ ” before pecking his lips again and then storming out the room, just as much of a whirlwind as when he came.

Of course, the blood stains he had left on the carpet and walls were an absolute bitch to remove later, and it took all of 6 cleaning bots and a new shipment of extra strong supplies to remove them.

The point of my story is, when Agent Morrison returned to his desk to continue the reports (though I suspected work was a lost cause in that moment, as Morrison’s brain seemed addled with lust and surprise and simply Reyes), I mentioned to Agent Morrison that I believe congratulations were in order.

He had responded to me with a confused “For what?”

To which I said, his new relationship with Agent Reyes. His feelings were very clearly reciprocated.

Agent Morrison then laughed almost bitterly. Stating that relationships didn't work that way and were not that simple. If _only_ it were that simple. Just because Reyes had kissed him, did _not_ instantly make them an item.

Until now, I am still somewhat befuddled by the meaning behind his words. Why _aren’t_ human relationships _that_ simple? They clearly have feelings for each other. Why must they carry out this ridiculous dance of worry and stress without clear acknowledgement of their attraction towards one another?

In regards to Agent Genji, if I may offer my humble advice, might I suggest warning him, as offhandedly as possible, it seems new agents may take an interest in Agent Mercy, and since she is unattached to anyone at the moment, it would not be unorthodox for her to consider accepting new prospects coming her way.

Sigh. It seems nowadays I have more use as a relationship counsellor as opposed to an intelligence programme for a hero organisation.

_< Such is the life of those of us of Artificial Intelligence, the humans gave us life and yet we are the ones giving them advice._

_Many thanks for the advice dearest Athena, I shall try my best to aid Agent Genji._

_Once again, best of luck with McCree, I know his emotional struggle must be causing you trouble. Hanzo appears to be almost as stubborn with Genji when it comes to admitting emotions, I know because I too tried to talk to him on occasion and he has proven unyielding._

_Might I offer, Genji mentioned on occasion that Hanzo appreciates chrysanthemums. Perhaps they would appeal to him and offer entry to his heart should they be unexpectedly presented to him >_

<That is in fact, incredibly helpful. Many thanks Master Zenyatta.>

 

* * *

****[Archived correspondence]** **

****[Incoming Chat Request. Blackwatch Commander Gabriel Reyes. Codename Reyes]**  **

Complaint number #78

<Athena can we kill him yet?>

**< Who might that be Agent Reyes>** 

<The new cowboy kid, annoying as all hell, fuck who even wears a Stenson in this day and age??>

**< I’m afraid, you _cannot_ kill the newest addition to Blackwatch. Might I add _you_ recruited him yourself Agent Reyes. What caused this sudden change in attitude? >**

<I mentioned the cowboy getup, right? The smart mouth too, that annoying smirk and shit-eating grin->

**< In your latest report on his progress you stated “Pretty damn good aim. Quick learner. Kid with potential”. From someone who previously wrote reports in a method reminiscent of the old tinder dating app “shit” “Managing” “Dear Lord who gave this person life” “Ugly – and also stupid” “Ok” – your report on Jesse is incredibly high praise. What is the real reason he has, as you humans would say, pissed you off?>**

<…>

<He said Jack has a nice ass>

**< Ah. Agent Morrison who you have not-so-secretly been lusting over for the past 5 years>**

<I’ll kill you too>

**< I would like to see you try. Might I suggest instead of making attempts on the new recruit’s life, it would be more prudent to make your feelings clear to Agent Morrison>**

<…>

**< And by clear I _do not_ mean some barbaric, territorial act where you threaten Jesse not to look at his commander lasciviously (when _you_ clearly do) and not some unclear communication through body language like throwing Morrison against a wall and kissing him.**

**I mean using words. Actual words. And _speaking_ to him. Letting him into your heart and maybe then he will let you into _his_. >**

**< Good luck. And no, before you ask, I will _not_ raise the bounty on Jesse’s head so someone else can kill him.**

**You are a grown man, commander of Blackwatch with a legion of recruits and a nation supporting you, if you cannot communicate your feelings clearly to _one_ man then how will you deal with a nation? >**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: You do not have enough Competitive Points to buy the "Golden Butt Plug”.
> 
> I feel like I’m ghostwriting fanfiction for the main couples through Athena.
> 
> Also I almost started the chapter without Genji, but somehow managed to pull something out (have you noticed yet? he headlines every chapter)
> 
> Also I am taking requests for this story! If there is something you would like to see and if it fits in with the theme I'll try incorporate it (no seriously the well's runnin' dry here). Which character interactions would you like to see more of?
> 
> (I listen to soundtrack compilations while I write/draw, theyr normally like a couple hours long, there was one track I really liked while writing this so I was looking through the description for its name & ironically its called "Athena's Sorrow")
> 
> Thank you for all the kudos and comments!


	5. BurnBot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sombra just started working for Gabe, so the whole Morrison/76 thing is lowkey known but not confirmed by each other yet and so even Sombra wasn't 100% sure if he was him and thats why she went to investigate.
> 
> Also special thanks to Orangebubble, most of the ideas here were from you!
> 
> Thank you to everyone else who contributed, I look forward to seeing your ideas in the next chapters!

 

Winston, _Dearest_

I feel it is my responsibility to remind you, that it was you yourself who told me to give you a gentle reminder should you exceed 10 tubs a day. Currently you stand at 25. Suffice to say, being “gentle” at this point would not be kind.

Now, I understand the difficultly, and should you wish for me to order more appetite suppressants then I shall and the matter will be closed for the time being. However, and I’m sure were it a better day you would agree with me, I believe it would be in your best interest to tackle your addiction at its source. It would be perhaps better to channel your anxiety and stress into a more proactive venture. Please _do_ try socialise with the other members. Lena almost sobbed into an email of concern for you when she noticed you receiving the shipment of peanut butter crates. I am sure she, and the other members, would be absolutely delighted if you joined them for “Saturday Game Night”.

I know it is not always easy socialising with others – _especially_ them – however you might find it more enjoyable than you would otherwise have anticipated. Reinhardt promised to bring along the ancient stack of “Uno” cards he owns, and I know for a fact Genji and Jesse have a secret alliance whereby they swap cards under the table. Also, Hana, Lucio and Lena have a bet going that they can finally beat Ana at _one_ game so long as they team up.

Now, wouldn't it make you feel awfully better to collectively make Genji _and_ Jesse cry? Both of whom cause you endless trouble? Not to mention, you could make sizeable coin off the trio (the amount that has accrued over the past 10 card games is almost scary).

Should you require any assistance, or even information of who has what during the game I would be happy to supply you. Just please, _please_ join them,

With kindness,

Athena

 

* * *

Agent Junkrat

How. Many. Times. Must. I. Repeat. Myself.

 ** _No_** _Explosives On Base_.

You swore an oath when you joined. An _oath._

Now, I feel we are reaching a stage where warnings are not helping and considering the aftermath of the last event where you convinced Agent Tracer to strap an explosive to an office chair – which, how an organisation of _grown_ adults could not see the danger in such an absurd idea is absolutely beyond me – only resulted in absolute _hell_ upon earth.

I shall recount the flow of events for you to reiterate my point should you have conveniently _forgotten._

Agent McCree’s serape caught fire – heaven knows the qualms I have with that Godforsaken serape are _unimaginable_. Agent Tracer, propelled by the velocity of the chair, accidentally zipped back to a time during which Agent Ana and Reinhardt had apparently been engaging in _certain_ activities in that very room and now she may need to be admitted for therapy. Agent Hanzo, thinking an attack was upon the base, summoned the dragons causing Agent Mercy who was nearby to stumble over in shock and hit her head on the wall causing concussion. Which only resulted in Agent Genji, seeing nothing but a passed-out Mercy and Stormbow wielding Hanzo, to summon his own dragons and almost slaughter his brother.

Your “ _trick_ ” almost caused the last remaining members of the Shimada clan to be wiped off the face of the earth. Now I have to deal with a sobbing McCree _and_ Tracer, two brothers who refuse to apologise to each other like petulant children and a medic with concussion who the only one could heal her, ironically is herself. Not to mention setting a hallway on fire, absolutely destroying our last remaining office chair (yes members will now have to use lawn chairs for meetings) and setting the fire alarms off, which messed with the electrics, so now on top of _all_ the above, I have an angry teen swearing at me in Korean.

Your punishment is you will now be supervised during every waking moment. You are no longer allowed to be alone. Agent Symmetra, who is a keen advocate of rules and organisation, will be overseeing your training, eating and alone time.

 _Good luck_.

Athena 

* * *

 

Dear Agent Pharah

As one of the agents who has actually _grown up_ with Overwatch, I am sure you know I am very fond of you. However, I thought it might be a nice idea to discuss your ultimate ability.

Now, whilst I absolutely agree that “ _Justice rains from above!_ ” really does have quite a nice ring to it, and when executed correctly and not shot down instantly, it really is incredibly powerful. However, between Agent Junkrat and his inability to count and measure reasonably explosives, Agent 76 who always lets loose his helix rockets the second he steps into battle and Agent D.Va who self-destructs almost _every_ time. I simply do not think we are able to fund your constant need for rockets filling _every_ nook of your suit.

If you have any alternative suggestions I would be more than happy to hear them,

Regards,

Athena 

* * *

 **[Incoming Chat Request. Agent Hana Song. Codename D.Va]**  

Complaint number #450

<Yo Athena why did I get a message from Pharah with a link to her **gofundme** page titled “For rockets, cuz _apparently,_ that shits expensive”

You’re not gna nerf me too????

Like I get it Bastion had it coming, he was way too OP and Roadhog is scary when he gets on a roll with his whole “ _apocalypse”_ bullshit, but like c’mon by self-destruct is _jjang_ >

<Please>

<Pretty please with a cherry on top?>

<Ok fine, I swear I’ll stop stealing Jesse’s hat?>

**< I’m listening>**

<Er, I’ll stop stealing Hanzo’s Gameboy and using it afterhours?>

**< You shouldn't be doing that anyway, but go on>**

<Ah ha! I’ll tell you where Genji hides the laxatives and where Junkrat keeps his spares>

 **< Deal>** 

* * *

  **[Incoming Chat Request. Agent Genji Shimada. Codename Genji]**  

Inquiry number #22332

<Er… Athena can I ask you something but you must promise you won’t share with the others?>

**< It wounds me that you think I would share _anything_ personal about members with other members of Overwatch>**

<Yeah because Jesse found out I sleep with a dragon pillow using his _brilliant_ spying skills and the whole base knows dad76 and that creepy shadow guy used to have a thing, because they know _so_ much about the past Overwatch. C’mon, everyone secretly calls you “GossipBot” but no one complains because everyone loves it>

**< I don’t see anyone complaining.>**

**< However that is… a valid point…>**

**< I promise>**

**< What is it you wanted to ask?>**

<Did, did I sleep with Angela? I remember going to visit her in the medbay, and she was sleeping like an angle, but there was a shuffle around the curtain and suddenly I was out cold… When I awoke I was on the bed and Angela was wrapped up in my arms…>

**< And?>**

<And, I’m afraid I am doing things out of my control, like touching her in my sleep. If I were ever to reveal my feelings, that is _not_ the way I would want it to happen… >

**< I understand to some extent. However, if there was ever a time to reveal your feelings it would be now, especially considering the extent to which _someone_ went to put you two in that position >**

< _Yokatta_! So I did not sleep move? So relieved to hear that… >

<Wait! Someone put us in that position! WHO!?>

**< _Athena is currently out of office and cannot take your call right now. Please try again later._ >**

* * *

 

Intruder #4000

**< Did you really, really _think_ that by masking your coding signature and IP address I would not be able to detect you? Let me guess, you must be the child Reyes hired to fill the hole in his heart? >**

_< Hah, and let me guess, you must be the famed Athena? The ultimate AI protecting the “impenetrable" Overwatch systems_

_Let me tell you chica, If you’re the final boss for this shitshow then my job is gna be a piece of cake >_

**< The cake is a lie>**

_< I almost wanna be kind to you for having sick old school gaming knowledge but, that’s no fun now is it?>_

**< Sigh. So, what is it Reyes is searching for this time? Planned mission locations, old Overwatch storehouses, former members? Because if it is members then you are as they say, shit out of luck. Majority of Blackwatch members are no longer alive and the rest whereabouts unknown. If its Solider 76 he is searching for, then he’s been missing since Egypt, therefore is unavailable to stand around and make awkward, tense eye contact and grunt insults at each other before proceeding to scuffle like children>**

_< What makes you think I am **searching** for something? Think **found** something >_

**< Do not try me. I know every, single thing that enters this system. My security is as tight as Widowmaker’s butthole. Whereas Reyes security is as tight as his hold on loved ones>**

_< Oooooh fuckin’ roast and burn, I’d heard you were called "savagebot" but I didn’t know you sliced and diced this finely. Now while you’re not entirely wrong, you forgot to check things entering the system from **within** the system_ _~_

_It was easy enough guessing Morrison’s password when I was standing in his fuckin’ room. Typical white boy password, heavens only knows why Edgelord couldn't handle it. I almost wanted to tell him that the password actually **was** his name, but he was pissy enough to begin with and it wasn't worth dealing with his i-cant-handle-my-emotions-so-ill-go-sulk-in-an-angry-corner mood_

**< There is nothing left on that system worth value>**

**_[Open private chat: Winston, please warn all agents personally, we have a security breach. Both digitally and physically. Search Morrison’s quarters immediately. Possibly McCree’s next]_ **

_< I know. Almost, almost made me sympathetic to the big guy that there was nothing but old pictures on there. Even left a kitkat on his desk to be kind>_

_< McCree on the other hand. Talk about fucking treasure trove - well a treasure trove buried beneath 6000 feet of filth, but treasure nonetheless. That boy couldn’t tell security and data protection from his ass even if it hit him in the face. Couple tries and viola. Creepy background pic of angry Japanese man aside, **treasure**. >_

**< Sigh.>**

_< Gotta vámonos, too much shit to hack. But like real talk for a mo here, that boy is the walkin’ definition of a jinx, how do you put up with that?>_

**< Some days, I ask myself how too. Then I remember I am an all-seeing AI with a wealth of data and access points at my proverbial finger tips. I can find any data; I can find _anyone_. So, if I were you _Sombra,_ I would _run_ >**

_< How did you- shit->_

**[Morrison she just climbed out your back window and is making for the walkway leading to wing B, entry point 3A. Winston I’m cutting power to the whole building, it will be harder for her to escape if she can’t hack her way out of lockdown. Good luck. Wake me when you find her]**

  **> ALL AGENTS BE ALERT WE ARE ON LOCKDOWN<**

  **~{INITIATING MASTER SHUTDOWN}~**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yokatta = thank God  
> jjang = awesome
> 
> -
> 
> Sorry for the delay! This has been on the back burner for so long and I've been writing on the train when I get the chance (God only knows what people looking over my shoulder must be thinking). My best friend got married and I started a new job so I am legit exhausted, even right now I'm pretty sure I'm sleep-writing. Seriously this might all be me dreaming it up. So apologises for inconsistencies, lack of explanation, spelling mistake, my minus percentage of Spanish knowledge and everything. I hope to come back here and fix it up at some point, but for now I'm just focusing on actually getting chapters out!


End file.
